Stephen E. Gibson

As many have learned by now, I relocated from sunny California to North Dakota. The move was inspired by a number of things, which I won’t go into. But now that I’m here I’ve learned some survival techniques for anyone considering moving from the hustle and bustle of the city to the Midwest.

Cowboy Hat

1) Bring a hat. I didn’t realize how important this was, but my previous landlord insisted that I take his old 10 gallon straw cowboy hat. I don’t actually wear the hat but leave it above the back seat in my car, visible to all. I get nods from the locals who approve of the hat.

2) Change your license plates. Driving around North Dakota with California plates can be hazardous, even if you have a cowboy hat in the back. It’s best to get the plates changed as quickly as you’re able. Without which, you may find yourself in a confrontation with the locals.

3) Speed Limit. In California the speed limit is more of a general suggestion. Just don’t be the fastest one on the road, right? Not so the case in North Dakota and even less so in neighboring Minnesota. The speed limits are a source of revenue for small towns and taken much more literally. Fortunately it’s often 75 mph, but then look out when you come to a town. It might drop to 65 or even 60. This got me on my trip out in Nebraska. The cop let me off since I missed the first 65 mph sign, but slowed for the second one. Phew!

4) Change lanes. This was a new one to me. When driving along and you see a car or truck pulled over to the side, change to the other lane before you reach the car. Do this especially if it’s a state trooper, seeing as how they’ll track you down and ticket you. It’s considered endangering the life of the officer. Usually there’s plenty of room to change lanes. Remembering to do so is the tricky part.

5) Chains. In all my California driving I’ve never had the occasion to put chains on the car. I needed them the first day I arrived in North Dakota. Granted, I came in on one of the worst blizzards of the season, but still. Without the chains I would have driven 2000+ miles only to not make it the last 1/2 mile to the house.

6) Learn Kung Fu. I mentioned the possibility that without a cowboy hat and while still donning out of state plates you might find yourself in a confrontation with the locals. Kung Fu is your best bet out of it. North Dakotans are a hearty bunch- in square fight they can hold their own. But pull some Kung Fu on them and they get all confused and dazzled. They start to howl and cuss, but a little bit of Bruce Lee will quickly disperse angry mobs.

Fellow who didn't change the oil in his vehicle

7) Change the Oil. In another preventative measure to protect oneself from being placed in the stocks in the town square, one must be sure to change the oil of their vehicle. We’re talking every 3000 miles and keep the reminder sticker on the windshield. (Note that the car is no longer a car, it’s now a vehicle.)

8) Work. I’ve always considered myself a hard worker. North Dakotans value this more than anything. I go to the local gym and every one of them has a shirt that says “Get to Work”, “Do Work”, “Do More Work”, or “Workers Win”. I’ve never seen so many people excited about work.

Outsider who turned down a Bud Light

9) Coors/Michelob/Bud Light. Now I know all CA beer snobs just cringed, gasped, choked, and curled up on the floor and gagged. It pains me to say, these are the beers of choice. There are those locations that offer a little more variety, but the simple act of buying and actually drinking one of these can potentially stave off a number of disquieting consequences. Rumors abound of import drinkers being drawn and quartered, put on the wheel, or even executed by elephant, (which is surprisingly common in many North Dakotan townships).

10) When all else fails, talk about changing the oil. This is related to #7, but deserves its own section due to how useful it is. You can pretty much insert the words, “and then I had the oil changed”, into any conversation at any point and it will appease an increasingly maddening crowd. Let’s say for instance you’re at the grocery store and some dude takes issue with the fact that you don’t have soot on your face. He’s reaching for a cut crowbar which happens to be in his back pocket. All you have to say is, “Man, I’ve got to get my oil changed.” The lout will put the bar right back where it belongs and gruffly say, “Oh”, and then walk away.

Moving to North Dakota wasn’t easy, but with these easy to follow steps even the most decent Californians can survive the many hardships and certain dangers of this distant land.